Naked David Broder Speaks

In his last post, Steve notes the Washington Post equating a flat-out lie by Sarah Palin with a claim by Joe Biden that at worst lacks context, and asks: “Why lump them both together as “questionable claims”?”

As it happens, there is an answer to this question. It was revealed by David Broder to my co-blogger publius in a vision several years ago. His whole post is worth reading — after all, it reveals secrets known only to initiates into the arcane mysteries of the Washington Post — but here’s a taste:

“As soon as I stood up, the stream started bubbling more intensely, forming a white foam on its surface. Up from the foam of the waves, a giant seashell emerged with David Broder on it — naked — with ivy wrapped around his head. (…)

“What is this place, naked David Broder?”

“This is the Washington Post editorial board room. Everything is in balance. All is in harmony with the universe.”

But just then, the peaceful musical bliss was interrupted by a voice echoing across the sky. It said:

Bush’s Social Security plan is a bad one. . . bad one . . . (echoing)

Suddenly, I heard a terrible grinding of metal. It sounded like a car was being crushed and digested by a trash compactor. At first, I couldn’t tell where the awful screeching and grinding was coming from, but then I saw. To my amazement, I looked up and saw a massive set of scales — the type of scales that statues of blinded women outside courthouses hold. And the set of scales was huge — probably the size of an urban skyscraper. When the voice in the sky spoke, the scales had started moving, causing the screeching sound. Then I heard another voice coming from somewhere close. It was equally loud:

The Democrats have no plan. They are equally to blame. (echoing)

With that, the scales stopped moving and returned to a state of balance. Long-haired women resumed their music. Children laughed again. All was calm in the Washington Post editorial board room.

“What was that, naked David Broder?”

“This is why I have brought you here — to reveal my wisdom and our burden. You see, we here in the Washington Post editorial room are the guardians of the Great Scales of Objectivity. They must remain balanced at all times. Equally balanced.”

“Or what?”

“Or everyone’s head will explode.”

Truly, it is an awesome burden that the editorial writers of the Washington Post have to bear. The unenlightened see them as hacks, but in fact they and they alone keep the cosmos in balance. Few among us could bear the weight of such a burden without crumbling. Read, and thank the gods that you have not been asked to share their fate.

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