Donald Trump has the attention span of a gnat, so it’s not surprising he forgot what he meant about the registry of Moslems.  The other Republicans are flailing about trying to find a coherent system for protecting Americans, but most of them have been irretrievably stupefied by years on a public payroll and lack any management skills.

That’s not all: a government database?? We can’t depend on incompetent, lazy, government civil servant nincompoops and their jack-booted thugs to manage and  use such a thing. (Honestly, when these RINOs go to bed and wake up, I think they just forget everything and have to figure it out again from scratch!) Here’s where we absolutely need privatization and outsourcing, and Visa plus any of the specialist outfits we hired to do Iraq for us are totally ready to step up.

The database needs to be a private sector enterprise with appropriate profit incentives and guarantees, plus exemption from civil liability (honest businessmen occasionally make well-meaning mistakes, but only a heartless Commie like Elizabeth Warren would think they should be punished for them).

Finally, we need to be smart about what perils we focus on, and Moslems are not even in the top four risks.  Here are the most dangerous creatures loose among us, along with some operational definitions therefor, so we can get them correctly labeled once and for all.  One integrated national database of the following threats, searchable by anyone who can be trusted to look in it, biometrically checkable, will save a lot of wasteful duplication.

I. Probably the most dangerous person you can come across is one of the sniveling unarmed safety-spongers, parasites on the real Americans who do their part and pack heat everywhere.  Armed citizens who make the rest of us safe prevent an average of 000 murders and terrorist massacres every week [you can insert a number of your choice here, and throughout this post, for citation choose from “the web”, or “experts I have talked to”, or “my cousin’s ex-boyfriend”]; anyone shirking here is little better than an accomplice of bad guys with guns. Concealed-carry laws are the devil, as they allow these lethal unarmed free riders to dissemble and hide among decent people. Anyway, the Lone Ranger didn’t put some dinky snubnose in a pocket where no-one could see it, it was the bad guys who hid a derringer in a boot top.

Takers who put the public at risk by being out and about without a suitable weapon need to be identifiable by law-abiding citizens as the danger they are, probably by an obligatory yellow (of course) vest.

We don’t need to register guns, we need to register gun shirkers! A thumbprint on a vigilante’s smartphone can immediately confirm whether a suspect has (rare) permission to go about unarmed, and Second Amendment remedies can be implemented on the spot if necessary.

II. A pregnant women is an accessory to every single abortion. Not most, or many, but every one, and here’s a real not-made-up number: 100%.  This population is uniquely responsible for the entire murderous plague, and every one of them is a hidden risk for at least the first two trimesters (after that they are readily identifiable by amateur enforcers).  The only way for security forces to keep an eye on this risk pool is to require every woman between the ages of 10 and 65 to wear an abortion-supervision-required neck chain hangtag if her non-pregnant certificate is more than a month out of date, and of course any women not certified unpregnant needs to be entered in the registry as a homicide risk and supervised accordingly.

III. With a touch on a doorknob or a sneeze, people with contagious diseases can sicken even strong, responsible folks carrying powerful handguns. 000 of these toxic time bombs are circulating freely right now, thumbing their runny noses at every security camera .  This is intolerable in a free society, and it’s up to counter clerks to take names and fingerprints for the database from anyone buying Nyquil, chicken soup, or Kleenex who isn’t wearing an official, dated facemask and rubber gloves.  Anyone coughing, sneezing, sniffling or redeyed in public without those protections should obviously be subject to immediate arrest, quarantine, and fine.

IV. Plato, or one of those old guys, showed that bad ideas are even more dangerous than bad food, and incredibly, for every thousand right-thinking citizens walking the streets, 000 more are infected with toxic views like “unemployment is worse than inflation.”  Never mind beliefs like transsubstantiation, that can reduce a whole society to the misery of southern Europe and Latin America. The only way to protect ourselves is to accompany registration for everyone, with a distinctive forehead tattoo on anyone who has not scored 80% or more in an interrogation by a panel of certified inquisitors.  The interrogation can be waived for graduates of certain colleges, such as Liberty University and the Air Force Academy, while alumni of Berkeley, Bard, etc require a score of 85%. We have a right to know who’s safe to talk to and who isn’t.

V. Nonsmokers are a fifth column of economic ruin who have skulked under the radar far too long. No question they undermine national character: we used to admire Rick Blaine, that real American standing tall among a bunch of Moslems and French people, cigarette in hand, but now?

The real menace of nonsmokers, however, is twofold. First, they go on living for years and years, sponging  up social security and pensions, with expensive chronic conditions. In contrast, smokers die at just the right time–about when they retire and stop having any value to the rest of us–of things that are quick and relatively cheap to treat.  We don’t need a database for this lot, fortunately; if you offer someone a cigarette and she refuses, just ask her who she thinks will pay for her selfish habit. That should take care of it.

Second, by lobbying for non-smoking zones and regulations, they have completely destroyed the economy of one city after another.  Seen anyone eating in restaurants or going out for the evening in California lately? Paris, New York, Berlin…formerly lively, fun places, but now grass grows in the streets.
Trump, perhaps a useful idiot who accidentally points us in the right directions. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

[Cross-posted at The Reality-Based Community]

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Michael O'Hare is a Professor of Public Policy at the University of California, Berkeley.