Humor

We know some of you have been complaining that Democratic consultants are “old school,” or “hackneyed,” or “f–ing useless,” but let us assure you that Bridge to 2000 intends to work for the people, not the powerful. The purpose of this memorandum is to share with you some insights we’ve recently developed on the roleand potentialof applying the newest technology, specifically the “Youtubes,” to your political campaigns. To use the vernacular, it’s time to take the campaign bus for a ride on the “Information Superhighway.” Please keep this proprietary information close to the vest, as this technology may prove useful for fund-raising.

We are currently awaiting the data from our most recent polling, but overnight results indicate that a majority of Americans think technology has the potential to change the way we communicate and even, someday, the way we shop. This is especially true for the young people our party covets, those under the age of forty-nine. Understanding this is the key to political success in what we at Bridge to 2000 call the “Internet Age.”

In preparation for the “Youtubes Debate,” and expanding on it, we’d like to explain to you three key applications that will show you how to be hip to the groove of today’s young voters.

1. Weblogs
A weblog is an electronic diary. But instead of keeping it locked under your bed, you keep it on the World Wide Web. Most of these weblogs (folks who “surf the Web” call it a “blog”) reveal that their authors have a lot of time on their hands and are very angry. In fact, the angrier you are, the “cooler” you are. You should, therefore, start your own blog immediately and use it to offer any idea that comes to mind, preferably an angry one. It’s just like the Senate floor, but without the parliamentary procedure. (Note: we generally discourage rants about children, household pets, or minority groups.)

2. Social Networking Social networks are also places where you can let everyone see your electronic diary. But here you tell them things that make you happy as well as those that make you angry. People who like the same things you like can become your “friends.” The “hottest” of these social networking places is called “The Friendster.” We recommend that you immediately begin making friends on The Friendster, because your friends will vote for you. (Note: being friends with someone online doesn’t mean you need to talk to them or go outdoors with them, although, on exceptional occasions, you may need to “virtually” masturbate with them.)

3. Youtubes
The Youtubes are, you got it, similar to a diary. Except in this diary, you can show videos of the things you like and don’t like. The Youtubes are a subsidiary of the Internets in which the tubes that combine to form the Internets are then rerouted to open up into a cathode-ray tube. In the debate, this configuration allowed actual young people to ask you actual questions, thus demonstrating, in our view, that there is such a thing as too much democracy.

The catch with the Youtubes is that they not only show things, they can also listen to you. We’re not sure whether they can smell or touch, but for now we should assume they can. Either way, this opens up the possibility that you can end up on somebody else’s Youtubes, which is very dangerous if you are prone to saying what is on your mind. Therefore, we encourage you not to say what is on your mind, and continue to say what is on ours (subject to polling). Actually, that goes for all of the above. Because Bridge to 2000 has been doing this a very long time, and if we have learned anything in several unsuccessful campaigns, it’s what it takes to win.