Headlines We’d Like to See in 2012

News we could use later this year:

STEVE’S LAST GIFT!
Jobs’ Final Invention Solves Nation’s Unemployment Crisis!

New iJobs Device Pays People to Sit and Twiddle Their Thumbs!

SLUGFEST!
Ex-Comedian Sinbad Latest to Grab Lead for Republican Nomination
Overtakes Garth, the Capital One Viking;
Romney Holds Steady at 25%

IT’S A MOCKERY!
Kim Kardashian Denounces Sinead O’Connor’s Short-Lived Marriage
“Nobody Tanks Faster Than Me,’’ Celebrity Narcissist Vows;

New Fiance To Be Introduced; Said to Be a Fruit Fly


EXPOSED!
Celebrity Phone Hackers Claim New Victim
Rupert Murdoch’s Cellphone Tapped;
Revealing Pix Show Mogul Dispensing Power in the Nude

INSOLVENCY SOLVED!

Greece Is Back in the Black!
Tourism Leaps After Nation Is Reinvented as a Theme Park

Devoted to John Travolta-Olivia Newton-John Musical;
“Shut Up About the Spelling!’’ Says Finance Minister

DESPOT DEFICIT!
Middle East Running Out of Dictators!
Around the Globe, Out-of-Work Strongmen, Warlords and Kommissars
Updating Resumes, Seek to Fill Openings


WHY TWEET WHEN YOU CAN TWEIN?

Former Congressman Heads New Instant Messaging System

“It’s Going to Be Big!’’ Says Weiner

EXTREME WEATHER FORCES VAST POWER OUTAGES!

Residents Forced to “Talk’’ To One Another;
“Conversations’’ Reported;
Senior Centers Raided for Instructors;
“One Starts, Then You Take Turns Speaking’’

CONGRESSIONAL LOGJAM SMASHED!
Stimulus Bill, Deficit Reduction Agreements Pass
“Funny’’ Brownies Distributed Before Session
Pelosi Teaches Boehner How to Tie-Dye
Eric Cantor Wears Flowers in His Hair

[Cross-posted at JamieMalanowski.com]

Jamie Malanowski

Jamie Malanowski is a writer and editor. He has been an editor at Time, Esquire and most recently Playboy, where he was Managing Editor.