Soap Opera

Yes, I do love schadenfreude. I can’t help but take delight
In the miserable downfall of folks on the radical right.
And to that end, you bet I felt satisfaction profound
From the conviction of Bob McDonnell—a/k/a Gov. Ultrasound.

He should have never prevailed in 2009’s election.
Creigh Deeds would have never gone in such a crooked direction!
But the voters in Virginia make a wrongheaded decision,
Allowing McDonnell to take a drive on the road to perdition.

McDonnell ran for office as a family values prick.
His hypocrisy and his lies are enough to make one sick!
And when it came to his religion, his dishonesty was chronic—
I mean, why else would a Catholic practice Voodoo (economics)?

For four years, McDonnell governed as ol’ Pat Robertson’s boy.
It’s such a thrill to see this wingnut’s career now destroyed.
He hurt so many people. He lacked compassion and tact.
Now he’ll spend two years behind bars—‘cause he’s guilty of the facts.

Having said all that, despite the fact that he is such a crank,
I hope he’s not attacked in prison—not beaten, knocked out or shanked.
I’m sure he’ll be just fine. He will survive, like Gloria Gaynor!
But for now, he will be covered in more orange than John Boehner.

McDonnell should do hard time as a message to other hacks.
No medium-security prison—send his ass to Supermax!
He deserves it. (Oh, and by the way, did I forget to mention
That he kinda looks like Tim Robbins in The Shawshank Redemption?)

I wonder if McDonnell will show penance for his crimes–
And I don’t mean by claiming he’s found God a second time!
The man ripped off Virginia—he’s a villain, not a hero…
And if they gave Oscars for lying, he would have more than De Niro.

What a fall from grace. What was he thinking? Man, that’s just beyond me.
Remember when he was considered a running mate for Mitt Romney?
I’m sure he shed a few tears when the Mittster chose Paul Ryan—
Though on the first day in the slammer, I’m sure he’ll be really cryin’!

I hope McDonnell now realizes that his God provides free will—
He’s got no one else to blame now that his reputation’s been killed.
So enjoy your prison meals! Wolf down those hamburgers and melons!
And embrace your status as just another convicted felon.

Will Gov. Ultrasound change in the cell? Well, it isn’t beyond hope.
Although he’s spent his whole life acting as a right-wing dope
He may find it within himself to finally change his ways
And help those without his privileges enjoy some better days.

If he leaves prison as an advocate for the convicted
(Such as making sure their post-prison right to vote’s not restricted)
Then his reputation will improve, and won’t remain so smelly;
He’ll be somewhat less obnoxious than that creep Ken Cuccinelli.)

UPDATE: More from Politico.

D.R. Tucker

D. R. Tucker is a Massachusetts-based journalist who has served as the weekend contributor for the Washington Monthly since May 2014. He has also written for the Huffington Post, the Washington Spectator, the Metrowest Daily News, investigative journalist Brad Friedman's Brad Blog and environmental journalist Peter Sinclair's Climate Crocks.