Running Down the Candidates

RUNNING DOWN THE CANDIDATES….The LA Times, being the paper of local record that it is, has procured statements from most of the candidates for governor. A sampling:

  • Winner of the “Sign from God” Award:

    Howard Allen Gershater, owner of two hearing aid stores
    If I’m supposed to run for this office, please let there be some sign….At that very instant, this giant comet streaks across the sky and the comet is as bright as can be for five seconds….OK, thank you, I got the message.

  • Winner of the Karen Drum “How Come Single People Never Get Anything?” Award:

    Richard Gosse, educator
    “Fairness for singles” ? that’s my platform….Someone has to stand up for the 34% of the population that is single and neglected by the politicians.

  • Winner of the “Obviously Not Paying Attention to California Politics” Award:

    Joe Guzzardi, adult education teacher
    I’m running because I’m very disappointed. In the 15 or so years since I returned to California, no politicians have been willing to discuss the impact of illegal immigration on California….

  • Winner of the “Making the Best of No Qualifications” Award:

    David Kessinger, paralegal
    I’m good at balancing the budget. I live relatively comfortably on $10,000 a year.

  • Winner of the Richard Nixon Memorial “I Have A Secret Plan” Award:

    Shu Yih Liu, CEO of Stuttz automobile company
    California has list its chi ? its aura ? and I have the solution. As soon as I am in the position to do so, I will announce plan to solve the problems in California.

  • Winner of the “Oh, That’s Federal Law?” Award:

    B.E. Smith, disabled veteran
    I would like to stop the war on drugs. If I get elected I will pardon all people convicted in California under drug laws….

  • Winner of the “Eternal Optimism” Award:

    Mathilda Karel Spak, hopsital volunteer
    With my experience at [nearly] 101 years old, I can outlive all of them.

I have to admit that Guzzardi is my favorite. No one in California has been discussing the impact of illegal immigration? Has this guy been living under a rock?

On the other hand, it turns out that Irvine has its very own candidate too: Iris Adam of the Natural Law Party, who wants to infuse “coherent consciousness” into the political process. She’s got my vote.

Washington Monthly - Donate today and your gift will be doubled!

Support Nonprofit Journalism

If you enjoyed this article, consider making a donation to help us produce more like it. The Washington Monthly was founded in 1969 to tell the stories of how government really works—and how to make it work better. Fifty years later, the need for incisive analysis and new, progressive policy ideas is clearer than ever. As a nonprofit, we rely on support from readers like you.

Yes, I’ll make a donation